


Better Off Gone

by closetspngirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 18:38:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17350472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/closetspngirl/pseuds/closetspngirl
Summary: Based on the song of the same name by Logan Mize





	Better Off Gone

The last few weeks had been rough. Y/N told me that she was going to leave, actually pack up her bags and leave. I had asked her for one more dinner, just her and I, no funny business, no tricks; just one last dinner that we could spend together. I wasn’t going to lie; I was a little surprised when she had agreed to it. And it was nice for a while, until I told her that I was going to miss her.

“Dean, please don’t,” she told me with a sigh. I wasn’t sure if she was annoyed or sad; probably the former.

“What, can’t I tell you that I’m going to miss you?” I asked her, feeling a little hurt that she didn’t want to talk about it, that she was just seemingly ok with everything.

“I just don’t want things to be harder than they have to be. We both need this.”

The Impala was parked a few blocks down from the restaurant and the temperature had dropped considerably. The change in seasons could be felt. Y/N was just wearing a long sleeve and jeans, so I took off my coat and put it around her shoulders, half expecting her to shrug it off, which she didn’t. I didn’t make a move to hold her hand, or put my arm around her shoulder, as much as I wanted to.

She kept the coat on in the car, which was odd to me; I could feel something hopeful stir in me, but trying to keep it down since I knew she was set in her choice. The ride was mostly silent; one of the cassette tapes was playing softly. I couldn’t have told you who it was until she reached over and turned it up, the sounds of Led Zeppelin’s Ramble On coming through the speakers. I don’t know how many times I had heard this song, given that I only had a handful of cassettes, but I was actually listening to the lyrics for the first time. After the first few lines, I lost myself in memories of Y/N and I, eventually finding my way back to the day that got us both where we are right now.

***

_“Y/N, you know I only do these things because I’m protecting you, right?”_

_“That might be, but I don’t need you and Sam treating me like I’m some kid! I’ve been hunting just as long as either of you have! You know the shit I’ve put up with in the past, the things I’ve done and seen. You know I can handle myself!” She said angrily as she stormed down the hall to the bedroom._

_“Wait. Y/N! Please!” I begged and pleaded, all but groveled at her feet._

_“No! I’m tired of doing what you say,” She said, turning around in the doorway of the room she hadn’t slept in in weeks.  
Suddenly nervous, losing my words, I had no idea what I was supposed to tell her. That I loved her? That I didn’t want her to go? That I wanted her to be mine; that we belonged together?_

_“I…I-“ I stammered. I was never like this, without words. I always knew what to say; until it came to her._

_“Dean, what is it?” she asked curtly, arms crossed over the front of her body._

_“I know you can handle yourself, but, I…”_

_“For crying out loud Dean, just tell me.” She was clearly annoyed with me._

_“Forget it.” Defeated. Shut down. Hurt. Confused. I didn’t know what I was supposed to say to her in that moment. It was all going to Hell in a hand basket anyway, why not just give it a shove at this point? That’s what I was good at anyway, pushing people away. Looks like Y/N wasn’t an exception to that. With slumped shoulders I turned and walked down to door 11 and locked it behind me._

_It was a few hours later, after I spent that time laying in bed staring at the ceiling, that I heard her finally come out of her room and go into the kitchen, or maybe the library. I decided to chance my luck and see if I couldn’t get out what I was trying to say earlier. I found her in the library, shuffling through a couple of the little alcoves and pulling out a few books._

_“Research?”_

_“No, pulling out the few books I brought with me. Sam probably won’t like it, but I can’t leave them.”_

_“Leave them…leave? Leave where?” I asked her, suddenly scared._

_“Dean, it’s time for me to go. I’ve been in Kansas my whole life, I need to get out, see the world,” she said to me, setting the books on one of the tables._

_“What do you mean? We get out; we’ve been all over the country. Hell, there was even that stint in Scotland to get Crowley’s bones-“_

_“No Dean, on my own. Away from hunting, to try to be normal.”_

_“Oh,” I said, looking down at my hands that were fidgeting. I knew she was too good for Kansas. Hunting, the bunker, those were really the only things keeping either of us here. I wanted so bad to be one of those things to keep her here, to have a life with her. Hell, even settle down and maybe have a family. But she was ready to go and I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to change her mind._

_“Where…where are you going to go?” I asked her, not really sure I wanted to have the conversation._

_“Not sure, East Coast somewhere. South Carolina has always been on my list, Charleston maybe. I’m just going to drive and see where I end up.”_

***

We pulled back into the garage of the bunker, Y/N getting out of the car before I could walk around and open her door. I saw her starting to look through her purse.

“Looking for something?” I asked, carefully. I felt like anything I said now was wrong.

“Car keys,” she said, still looking in her bag.

“For what? Are you leaving now? You can’t. You’ll be driving in the middle of the night! Not to mention it’s a 20 hour drive!” I was starting to panic. I didn’t think she would be going so soon.

“Dean, that’s the best time to drive. You of all people should know that. How many cross country hunts have we done, and how much of that driving has been at night?”

“Yeah, but-“

“No buts. I’ll sleep on the side of the road in my car if I have to. It’s time Dean. I need to go,” she said, as I heard the faint jingle of her keys coming out of her bag. She slipped off my leather jacket and handed it to me, kissing me softly on the cheek.

“I will always love you Dean. I always have. We’ll be together again one day; I know it. Whether it’s here, there, or somewhere else. It’ll happen, I’m not giving up on us. I just need to do this.”  
Despite what she said, I had a feeling she wasn’t coming back. I knew she would get out there, fall in love with the place, the people, and eventually a person. I’ll always love her, but I know this is it.

“Can you at least keep in touch? Let us know that you’re ok; even if you don’t want to call or text me. Please let someone know, Sam, Jody; anyone.”

“I will.”

She’s the only good thing I’ve ever had, but I love her enough to let her go. That’s what they say, isn’t it? If you really love something, let it go. If it comes back, it’s yours forever, and if it doesn’t, it was never really yours to begin with?

So what if she doesn’t come back? She was never mine; we will never have that settled-down-family-life the both of us wanted. The only thing is, she didn’t know that I wanted it with her. I screwed that one up. I should have told her. Maybe it would have changed something.

She wrapped her arms around my waist one last time. I gently put my arms around her shoulders, holding her as long as I could, placing a kiss on the crown of her head. It was all I could do to keep myself from losing it over losing her.

“Bye Dean,” she said quietly, tears trying to fight their way down her cheeks. She got into her car and pulled away.

Now I’m just a fading image in her rearview mirror as she heads off for the highway. She’ll eventually get so far that the radio only plays static; she’s never been that far before, not without Sam or me with her.

The only thing I didn’t tell her was that I loved her.


End file.
